Let it be woven into the tapestry of human events that on this Second Day of May, in the year of our Lord Two Thousand and Twelve, American Colossus Newton Leroy Gingrich graciously bowed out of the race to become President of these United States. And a nation wept. Where else would it find such effortless erudition, such manly self regard, such tireless entrepreneurial zeal?
Since Mr. Gingrich has generously authored a stack of books to enrich all of us, it seems only fitting that we write a few humble words for him to mark this important milestone. Imagine this, if you will:
"My fellow Americans, (and the star council from Praxis 12) tonight I have decided to allow the American people the opportunity to elect someone clearly inferior to myself. Let me be the first to say, I told you so.
"I told you so.
"While it is true that I have spent months branding Mitt Romney an oscillating faux-conservative Jell-O weasel, now is the time for all of us to come together…and read A Nation Like No Other: Why American Exceptionalism Matters, now available on Amazon.com. I also have a few copies here in my coat pocket….
"Besides, my singular skill set would be grossly squandered in the White House -- and since the advanced conservative culture on Praxis 12 has elected me Serene Potentate until 3181, Callista and I are clearly booked. And speaking of books..."
Now it's your turn. Channel your inner Newt and write a few lines for his farewell speech. (Don’t go nuts -- keep it to a manageable length….) We’ll post the winners tomorrow. Enjoy!