Let it be woven into the tapestry of human events that on this Second Day of May, in the year of our Lord Two Thousand and Twelve, American Colossus Newton Leroy Gingrich graciously bowed out of the race to become President of these United States. And a nation wept. Where else would it find such effortless erudition, such manly self regard, such tireless entrepreneurial zeal?
Since Mr. Gingrich has generously authored a stack of books to enrich all of us, it seems only fitting that we write a few humble words for him to mark this important milestone. Imagine this, if you will:
"My fellow Americans, (and the star council from Praxis 12) tonight I have decided to allow the American people the opportunity to elect someone clearly inferior to myself. Let me be the first to say, I told you so.
"I told you so.
"While it is true that I have spent months branding Mitt Romney an oscillating faux-conservative Jell-O weasel, now is the time for all of us to come together…and read A Nation Like No Other: Why American Exceptionalism Matters, now available on Amazon.com. I also have a few copies here in my coat pocket….
"Besides, my singular skill set would be grossly squandered in the White House -- and since the advanced conservative culture on Praxis 12 has elected me Serene Potentate until 3181, Callista and I are clearly booked. And speaking of books..."
Now it's your turn. Channel your inner Newt and write a few lines for his farewell speech. (Don’t go nuts -- keep it to a manageable length….) We’ll post the winners tomorrow. Enjoy!
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Cue up the music... "How can we miss you when you won't go awaaay.."
But you won't listen, you always stay and stay-hey! How can I miss you when you.. won't go away (and I mean it too).
I have to give him credit....not to many people can totally pull off the old Snake Oil Salesman scam in front of the same crowd year after year. They use to find those guys beat to a pulp just outside of town.....him and his wife are shameless.....(don't hate the players...hate the game)
Praxis 12? Ha! Everyone in the know knows that the Star Council resides on Proxima 12! :)
However, thank goodness Kent Jones is giving Steve Benen a short break on the MaddowBlog! I sometimes have the impression that Steve is chained to his keyboard 24/7, and is fed Thai take-out through a Lockdown-style slot in the cubical wall.
Dare we hope there's a chance he finally understands that he'll NEVER be POTUS, and won't ever force us to endure this charade again?
A man can dream, can't he?
are you kidding me?.....Newt sees himself as Superior to the Title of POTUS...that was just a stepping stone to "Galactic Lord His Highness".....Can't keep mentally ill people out of politics....that's descrimination.
"My fellow Americans, I promised you a moonbase! A frickin' moonbase and how do I get thanked? You voted for not one but two people who lie even more than I do."
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My fellow Americans... After much thought and consideration, I have decided to suspend my campaign, effective immediately. I'm sorry for all the drastic, hateful stuff I said about poor people and making poor kids mop bathrooms in exchange for a public school education, because... well.. that's just crazy talk. I mean, really.... who would even think about something so cruel? I'm sorry I used my campaign as an opportunity to hawk mine and Calista's books. Oh, yeah... and that whole Clinton adultery thing? Sorry about that, too. Because now that I think about it, trying to hang Clinton when I was out getting my little bit on the side was probably... in retrospect... pretty uncool. See you in 2016.
My fellow Americans, it is with heavy heart and boggled mind that I withdraw from the race to be your President. All I can say is . . . you don't deserve me!
You can read why you don't deserve me in my new book "The undeserving and too stupid to know it" which can be pre-ordered at Amazon.com in both Large Type for the hard of reading and in Small words for the hard of thinking.
In closing, I bid you remember:
I'm just saying . . . . In any case, there's still the Moon. After a short rest, Callista and I will begin our campaign as soon as we have received the funds from our SuperMoonPAC.
[Fly me to the moon, and let me swing among the stars . . . . ]
"I am leaving this wonderful and well run campaign behind. Family calls. Callista, my current wife, is in need of care, she needs her hair surgically brushed. Please pray for us."
My Fellow Americans...
That's probably the only time I'm going to get to say that phrase legitimately, unless Fox News delivers on their promise for my new show, "The Spoiler with Newt Gingrich". Much like my definition of marriage, I've played it loose, I've played it fast, and I've played it with all of America. And yet, in the end, I'm at the end of another failed bid for long term job security. (Also, not unlike my marriage history.)
So here we sit: Mitt "The Ripper" Romney against Barack "That Guy" Obama. Really, America? This is the best you could come up with? Seriously, this guy isn't even half as crazy as I am; and you know that if you're going to win in politics, you either have to be s**thouse crazy or built up to a level of hype reserved for a Superhero franchise.
Regardless of your choice, America; I don't blame you. In fact, I still love you. I'm married to the idea of you. The only problem is, there's this other idea I really like...it's called "not being publically humiliated by a Mormon, milquetoast, gaffe prone, textbook candidate for an election circa 1998". I think we should be open to this idea as a couple, because it'll safe my a** in the end.
So to recap: good luck with your obvious choice this November, America. I hope you'll respect me enough to call me in the morning, or at the very least leave my money on the dresser next to my eggs and copy of Penthouse.
Forever indebted (to your mom),
Newt Gingrich
P.S. At least it wasn't Santorum. That guy's nuuuuts.
"Um, sorry I wasted all of your time and everyone's money...um, but we will still colonize the moon and show those moonmen what's what!"
So well then, that happened.
The system is flawed; may the best man win fell to the elitist money interests. Romney an obvious inferior selection won the primary in spite of God's will. The electorate are obviously only influenced by negativism rather than the almost God like ability of myself and my accomplishments. May God protect us in these trying times when two men of little ability have won over a giant of man almost ordained by God to be president.
My fellow Moon People (soon...very soon)........I am withdrawing from my very well run campaign with a heavy heart. Family calls. Callista, my current wife, needs to have her hair surgically brushed. Pray for us.
"M-O-O-N. That spells $2.50 gas. I'm outta here!"
My apologies to you all. It seemed like a good idea at the time. What? OK, OK, it seemed like a good idea to Sheldon, Calista, and myself at the time. Sheesh!
"Um, sorry I wasted all of your time and everyone's money...um, but we will still colonize the moon and show those moonmen what's what!"
my fellow americans,
i've been such a fool. what was i thinking? that people would forget my sordid history? that my former colleagues would suddenly...like me? that no one would point out my inconsistent stance on so many issues? the answer to these and many more questions can be found in my new book, 'how the presidency was stolen from me'. i'll be talking more about the book on my new fox news show. thank you.
My once and future subjects: This hurts like hell to admit, but I'm just not feeling the love right now, so I'm bowing out of the race for president and chief lobbyist at the White House. Instead, I'm going on a perpetual book signing tour across America so it will seem like I'm your president. That way, it won't matter who wins in November I can safely take pot shots at everyone until my final ascendancy in 2016. Great plan, isn't it? I'll be accepting donations to my campaign at Tiffany's through November.
"...you dim wing nuts still haven't caught on to how badly you've been had! My "campaign" was really to sell books & DVDs, and to get you once again taking me seriously as a National Figure-Who-Has-Something-Important -To- Say. By leaving behind miles of catastrophic videotape Democrats will use to deep six Romney, I will be assured of having four more years to make millions off the best single thing that ever happened to me financially - the election, and now - the re-election - of President Obama!! Thank you, America...over & out..."
My fellow Americans,
It is my intention today to let people know that I will be leaving the presidential race. As you know, I am arrogant and stubborn and refused to see the writing on the wall many months ago that I am a complete failure as a politician. I was backed by self-serving, wealthy supporters that only had their own interests in mind. If I had been elected, I would have become their puppet. In regards to my crazy right-wing agenda, it has been difficult remembering all the nonsense that I have actually said to people. I have just done what was in the best interest of the Republican party - feed the rich - screw the poor.
Though the presidential race did not fare me well, don't think that I am that easy to get rid of. My side agenda was to create a stronger name for myself in order to market my business venues that generally fail and to tout my mindless political literature. This presidential run has had many ups and downs - but mostly downs. In my campaign I had put forth many brilliant ideas like the space station but it seems the general public did not appreciate them.
So.... farewell until the next presidential election when I can con some rich investor and pork him out of millions. In the meantime, I will be busy wrecking households and cheating on Callista. Who knows ... maybe I'll go bankrupt again.
Thank you,
Newt
"http://tinyurl.com/2g9mqh"
"My fellow Americans, it is with great regret that I exit this campaign to leave you with two inferior choices... the Negro Socialist and the Corporate Fascist. I, of course, am the superior choice being the vetted Historian and the only one who truly understands the Constitution and the meaning of this nation.
I do wish this nation well, though I know you will all suffer without me."
Tonight I am ending my campaign for President. I enjoyed being the only candidate with a brain and the rhetoric of Aristotle, thereby irritating everyone who ran against me in the primary, accept, of course, my wife Callista. We enjoyed rolling around this beautiful but depressed country of ours. Never fear, you'll hear from me again - sooner then later, perhaps; but with a mind and a mouth like mine it will be hard to shut either off. Thanks to all who supported us, see you soon!
My Fellow Americans. I am confused. I went to the anti-Obama meeting on the eve of his inauguration and everybody there encouraged me to run against him. They said my ideas were the best ideas of the night. And I wrote all those books to prove how exceptional I am and you voted for Mitt the liar.
You won't have me to kick around anymore. And (wink) I support Mitt Romney as a "true" conservative
...from newt...to eft...to newt...from eft...to newt...to the moon...make up my mind...i can't or couldn't...see y'all in 2016...