Rick Santorum made a limp attempt to beat his verbal swords into plowshares in a deeply underwhelming endorsement of arch enemy Mitt Romney.
At midnight. In an e-mail. Does this sound like an endorsement to anyone?
"The primary campaign certainly made it clear that Governor Romney and I have some differences. But there are many significant areas in which we agree: the need for lower taxes, smaller government, and a reduction in out-of-control spending. We certainly agree that abortion is wrong and marriage should be between one man and one woman. I am also comfortable with Governor Romney on foreign policy matters, and we share the belief that we can never allow Iran to possess nuclear weapons. And while I had concerns about Governor Romney making a case as a candidate about fighting against Obamacare, I have no doubt if elected he will work with a Republican Congress to repeal it and replace it with a bottom up, patient, not government, driven system."
And in conclusion, meh. Here's what I heard:
"My fellow Americans, there have been many words used to describe Mitt Romney -- flop-flopper, crypto-liberal, obscenely wealthy minion of Darkness. But enough about what I've said. Tonight I'd like to try another word: adequate. Voting for the sporadically tolerable Mitt Romney is better than being shoved, ankles first, into a wood chipper. I think we can all agree on that. Furthermore, if Mitt Romney is elected president, America's inevitable swirl down the drain of sin and depravity will be slowed by minutes, if not hours. Mitt Romney has my endorsement, if by endorsement, you mean a soul-crushing decision that will take years of atonement to even begin to undo."
Now it's your turn. Write us a brief, (seriously, brief) half-hearted endorsement of Mitt Romney. We'll post the winners tomorrow. Enjoy!
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With apologies to Red Green... Santorum's just reciting the endorser's prayer. "I didn't win, but I can endorse Romney, if I have to, I guess".
"Gotta vote for someone. I guess."
"Mitt Romney: he'd vote for you."
"Vote for Mitt Romney, unless you're busy that day or you don't feel like it"
I'm ready to ride on the Roof!
Endorse Mitt Romney? Yeah, well, ok, sure, if that's what you want.
"A vote for Mitt Romney is a vote against Barack Obama. So -- you know what? Just do whatever the hell you want. I quit."
I should have been the candidate, but you didn't pick me. So, here you go, Romney will have to do. Good Luck my fellow Americans.
Mitt Romney is the sort of person that other people might call a person. As such, he meets the requirements to run for President of the United States. And we wish him well with that.
My Fellow Americans, my pet goldfish flipped out of the bowl tonight. As I sat watching it flopping on the floor it reminded me of Mitt. I'm sure it was a sign from God and as such, I'm here to ask you to please endorse Governor Romney. ~ gratefully yours, Rick Santorum
His trees are the right height!
Mitt Romney - at least he's not a scientologist!
IF this doesn't make the list I will be extraordinarily disappointed!!
You are my new hero!!
Obama kicked Osama's ass, where Bush had failed, Obama prevailed. Now Mitt says enough with the drama. Vote Mitt.
~RSantorum
"Because I believe I may have a shot at 2016 once Mitt blows this election, I will damn Governor Romney with faint praise by reminding people exactly what I really think of him while saying that I now believe the opposite. And remember — Mitt's not a ni-, I mean, a liberal, so you probably could stomach voting for him if you hold your nose tight enough."
"The primary campaign certainly made it clear that I'm not going to win the nomination. But I will almost certainly vote for whoever my party does eventually nominate. Right now it looks like it's going to be Mitt Romney."
America needs Mitt Romney. He has proven, over and over again, that he can use other people's money to raise himself above the hordes of less imaginative people mired in the middle class. This makes him uniquely qualified to take the American economy with its trillions of dollars of taxpayer money, and do exactly the same thing. He is the embodiment of all the brave men and women managing hedge funds everywhere. He's the hero that every day trader aspires to become. God willing, this brave man will become America's next Warren G. Harding.
Kenn Amdahl
Well, I guess he'd be better than falling face-first on a porcupine...
The balance sheets have spoken. Mitt Romney is the candidate best purchased by our party. I believe buyers remorse will be negligible
Mitt Romney: He has a full head of his own hair.
Mitt Romney: If you
are alloweddecide to vote, please vote for him.Mitt Romney: At least he didn't eat Seamus the dog.
Aren't you excited to vote for Mitt Romney? No, me neither, but hey, at least he's not Warren G. Harding, so how bad could he be?
rick santorum is a half witt id love to meet the NUTS who vote for him
While Mitt Romney certainly isn't me, he's not Newt Gingrich either, and, as I'm fairly certain he's a Republican, you could quite possibly do worse. Then again, she didn't run for president so there ya go. As long as we keep our claws into Congress deeply enough, I am confident our fellow GOPers will be able to keep him in line and on the path to Plutocracy. Shame that we couldn't hold out for a Theocracy, but Jesus doesn't hold the copyright on Second Comings, so keep the faith.
I know that during the primary I said that he's inexperienced, flippity-floppity, out-of-touch, & bland; but now I support Mitt - He may be "Meh," but he's what we got. Plus, I think he'll bomb people we don't like.
The will of Almighty in heaven is um, unfathomable, and the result of the primary
campaign was conclusive. Afterall, God tested Job, too and I should feel blessed, I suppose. Yes, Governor Romney and I have some minor differences. I am social conservative and a Christian and he is a stiff, lifeless golem made of clay with no soul, poised to wreak havoc on the nation. But we do agree on some policy matters, and on the bright side, if he can bring the nation to its knees, as it were, then that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
"We wholeheartedly understand your reticence to vote for Mitt Romney. We've said ourselves, time and time again, that he is the worst Republican in the field, akin to the policies of President Obama, and completely reprehensible for Romneycare in his state of Massachusetts. However, since we were unable to really come up with anyone else that didn't stick his or her foot all the way down from mouth to stomach, we recommend that you try and get over your distaste for voting for one of the worst candidates the Republican party has yet to offer. Because otherwise, we'll have four more years of a Democrat in the White House, and we're running out of excuses for blocking every piece of legislation which crosses the doors of Congress."
Mitt is a mormon, which I as a christian evangelical see as a cult but I guess it is better for a member of a cult to be president than a black christian.
Psst Michael Santorum is a Catholic not an Evangelical. Same attitude towards Mormon though.
"I've decided to endorse Mtt Romeny because, despite our difference, ultimately all of us heterosexual, rich, white, Christain (supposedly) good ol' boys have to stick together."