As Steve pointed out earlier, there's an intriguing wrinkle to Mitt Romney's now infamous 47 percenter video -- one or two minutes of Romney's speech went unrecorded.
What, exactly, did he say to his fundraisers during that critical gap? Conservatives like Glenn Beck are already spying nefarious plots, saying the missing minutes show the tape might have been manipulated.
With a nod to Ana Marie Cox, here's my theory as to what Mr. Romney said during the two minute interval:
"OK, let's get to tonight's real agenda. Donors at tables one and two? You'll control the East Coast all the way to Key West. Tables six, seven and eight, the Rockies west to California. Mid level donors? You get the Great Lakes down to the Gulf. Table nine? You get the contract to build the Great Texas/Mexico Freedom Wall. Everyone be sure to sign the Confidentiality Pledge, which you'll find under your dessert plate. We can't have the media getting their greedy paws on the 47 percenter stuff I was talking about earlier--right?! I might as well give them my tax returns! Now, as I was saying...."
Now it's your turn. Give us your version of what Mitt Romney said during those two minutes and we'll post a sampling of your genius tomorrow. Enjoy!
(Image: Melina Mara / The Washington Post)
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'I be back in 120 seconds after these words from my sponsors.'
"Now it's time for the running mate silent auction."
Sidebar: When do we get Ana Marie Cox back on this show?
I second the call back for Ana Marie Cox! She and Rachel on air together make for fantastic, informative TV!
Top AMC quote on TRMS: "Well, who wouldn't want to teabag John McCain?"
Tapas recipes!
"OK, everybody stand up!
We've got a steadycam and we're gonna make a quick, single take lip sync to 'Call Me Maybe.'
Remember to smile, flash your biggest credit cards--no, not that one, Lovey. . .the American Express Black-- and pretend to be talking on an invisible cell phone.
This is our newest campaign bundling option! You're gonna get lots of calls. We expect you to deliver $50K each. We've got some pros who will edit it to be very slick, WAY better than that Olympic swimming one.
This video is sure to go viral!"
Romney was giving his rendition of the Commodores "Brick House." Mighty, Mighty.
"...and I call it The Aristocrats!"
cracking up...
cracking up......
Now, Now Now, we really like the poor people.
Really, we do.
If we didn't have poor people, who would we lord things over?
HaHaHa. I'm kidding. I'm such a kidder.
Poor people suck.
So with that said, I am sure the burning question is, "how do we take the food away from these people who feel they deserve to eat?" That's not going to be easy, but if I am elected President, I promise I will work diligently with my fraternity brother Paul Ryan and the rest of the gang to make sure that anyone going hungry stays that way!
http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/live-feed/sarah-silverman-offers-sheldon-adelson-349590
Be sure to tip your waiter, IRS dinner value is $10, so go big and leave'em a buck.
Anyone know how to make "The Hunger Games" legal?
petey ryan .. he hates being called that
"Let me be honest with you. I have been called to be President. Not for myself, but for all of you. If I am elected, I will make sure taxpayer dollars are not wasted on entitlements or squandered on infrastructure. If government employees knew what to do with all that money, would they really still be earning lower salaries and driving economy cars? No, under a Romney presidency, our defense budget will be used to build YOUR military contractor businesses. Our medicare and medicaid budget will grow your pharmaceutical business, and our education budget will help to make the US private education industry into the most profitable industry in the world!"
" And what to do with all those poor people? Well, we will start another war and ship them all off to Iran to fight the good fight. I realize that is kicking the football down the field a few years, but hey , look at this way, there is bound to be a big attrition rate and we won't have to deal with as many " poor " soldiers , nor help employ them when they come back ".
Hey, nobody's secretly recording this, right?
Because that would really kill my campaign if this got out.
... but before I go on, I can't underscore enough how this conversation we are having stays within these walls. I mean if it ever got out that I think 47% of Americans are basically useless to me, (chuckles for 90 seconds) that would be embarrassing....
He does an impromptu recitation of "Thanatopsis" by William Cullen Bryant in Elmer Fudd's voice.
I'd pay fifty grand a plate to hear that. Not.
I skimmed over my suggestion to the terrorists and their bomb capabilities being focused on CHICAGO, but I'm dead serious. POTUS comes from that part of the country and his campaign is headquartered in the windy city. (mitt seen slappin his thigh & lol).
Hey nobody's secretly recording this, right?
Because if this gets out it will kill my campaign.
Its a rant about Rose Mary Woods.
"Now, let's take a break from the serious stuff, and have some fun. It's time for the celebrity date auction. Proceeds go towards Paul Ryan's classes with Joe Biden on "how to be a VP who steps in it but still smells like a rose". Up for bid is a date with that tiny little energetic spark plug personality, Snooki. She's bisexual folks, so ladies feel free to join the bidding, just don't let those anti-gay members of the party hear about this. I'm telling you folks, I'd bid on this one myself, if Anne wouldn't find out. Do I hear 50?"
The first several minutes was Romney explaining his strategy to win the election through a presentation of Punch 'n Judy. It was deleted because Romney screwed up and had Obama playing the part of Punch. Doh!
"I haven't made a big deal about this, because...because...well judge for yourself. But Obama really IS gay. I've only met him a couple of times, but he really did come on to me. He said I was so handsome and he, he wouldn't let go of my hand. (laughter from audience.) No I'm serious. Seriously. But back to foreign policy..."
"Now it's time for the tricky tray auction results. Monsanto has won the 'seeds of change' necklace and matching corn cob holder set. Haliburton has won the home water filtration unit, and the two-week all expenses paid trip to Tahiti to get some clean water to put in it (Smile, Cheney, you devil). British Petroleum has won the 100 pounds of Gulf Shrimp. So delicious and the shells and tumors were removed before steaming. Our friends at Chase have won a bigger bull to be placed on Wall Street once we get deregulation up and running again. And the biggest surprise of the night, ALL of you that bid on the 'Open Another Tax Shelter Caymens Weekend' have won this wonderful weekender (of your U.S. taxes, ha, hah, ha, hah, ha, hah, ha....)
"America, the beautiful...!"
This is our little secret we can't tell the poor people we're talking about them. Shoosh...hush hush up now!
"Seriously, thanks for coming to this comedy routine tonight. It's a good thing none of you are taping this, because I've been saying some crazy @!$%#. Speaking of which..."